For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling pleasantries. More often, the abused are left to wallow in a poisonous stew of misery, self-pity, and self-recrimination. Depending on the severity, duration, and nature of the abuse, there are three forms of effective closure. (From the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin - Click on this link to purchase: http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html)
May 23, 2013
1, Not 3 kinds of Effective Closure
This video is supposed to be about the 3 kinds of effective closure, but lists 3 types of closures, with only the first one effective, however, then Sam goes on to explain that that first kind is not likely to occur. That's a little confusing.
I think the only closure has to be one that is possible, and since his first example is not likely, and the other two are not "effective" since they are destructive to the victim, I think closure has to be:
* Recognizing the patterns of NPD and how they revealed themselves within the relationship. Recognize that lying and devaluing another person is not, in fact, a relationship, since true relationships require (go figure) relating. There is no true relating to someone who: 1.) pretends to be someone he is not to many people, including you, to one degree or another, 2.) who lies to get you to like him, and maybe even asks you to not tell others the truth about him, and keeps a higher value on his public image than on his closest relationships, 3.) Slowly devalues your personal boundaries he once said he supported, and then tries to get you to break them via emotional tirades, manipulation and emotional blackmail. Of course, he will not blatantly break your boundaries because that would reveal to easily his deception which he spends a lot of time, energy and money to cultivate, wearing a different face to you and other faces to all his other connections.
* Next, recognize your own weakness and addiction to finding self-worth outside of yourself, even from an abuser. Acknowledge the abuse that you may have experienced from your early, formative years that made you vulnerable to this person to the point of you second guessing your values and boundaries in order to (attempt to) avoid abandonment from the NPD abuser.
* Get help from a good counselor who can help you learn concrete, practical ways to indentify red flags of abuse in relationships, and practical and constructive ways to deal with specific circumstances. The more these things are applied by the victim, the more their confidence will increase in being functional in the specific area of certain relationships.
* Get spiritual guidance from someone who understands natural moral law and Divine Law, understanding that truth and moral goodness is objective, not subjective, and thereby, a victim is less likely to be revictimized or react negatively while trying to gain closure as long as they are truly trying to do the higher good and are honest. Seeking out supernatural assistance in the Sacraments is how a person can be healed by wounds in their nature from abuse, and can, instead of seeking artificial means to nature their own bad programming, find that their heart is filled by grace. It takes prayer, sometimes by people who are saints as their prayer is more effective than one who is not.